By: Amy EdlerRecently, I was married to the most wonderful man on the planet. At least in my view. In fact, contrary to feminist belief, I even took his last name!
We planned our wedding in a month and half, with the help of family and friends who donated their time and money. In fact, originally, I didn’t want a wedding simply because of the outrageous hassle that it inevitably becomes. My best friend convinced me that we could make this day whatever we wanted and that there was no standard. One day after I told my mother about the decision, after her fit of outright emotional tearful outbursts we decided to shop for a dress. Apparently, I had been living underneath a rock for my entire life because I was completely blown away by the extravagant and expensive industry that is not the wedding but BRIDAL preparation. We pulled about four dresses off the racks and were told that we couldn’t try them on without a “bridal consultant”. For this we needed to make an appointment. Okay, let me get this straight. I need to make an appointment so that someone can help me into my dress and therefore use it as an opportunity to sell me more accessories. This is crap. Of course, I obliged and “Lauren” helped us by telling me I looked beautiful and selling me a $150 undergarment, $40 shoes and a $50 hairpiece. We also set up an appointment to be measured. Alterations total: $250.
The weeks that followed were full of anxiety and stress coming from mothers and mother-in-laws and the ironic ‘comparative wedding’ of a former friend. We had decided to keep things low-key. The venue was eclectic, artistic, beautiful and full of zen. While we were ironing out the wedding officiator status, others were volunteering their time and effort to help out making centerpieces, photography, flowers, favors, etc. I felt that this could possibly turn out to be an open-minded, feminist wedding.
Until I witnessed the other side. 300+ guests. Catholic ceremony. Passages from the Bible about women serving men. Giant reception. Slideshow. Live band. M.C. Games. Different songs for each dance. Basically, it was the complete opposite of my wedding. On my way home my mind began to shift and the past 5 years of studying societal pressures and understanding their impact on girls, my going to South Africa, my activism…all seemed like a dream. I immediately went to my mother’s house and started asking, “what song during this dance..etc” morphing into the inevitable BRIDEZILLA.
It’s amazing how one night of reality, or what seemed real, could completely cloud my judgment. My involvement in NOW and feminism seemed so far away. I was instantly on a completely different planet. The next day I got acrylic nails, bought $100
worth of Clinique makeup, and bought hydroxycut.
Now before I get people going irate over this let me explain that I’m telling this to you all, and especially young girls, as a cautionary tale.
The next day I literally had an anxiety attack in my car in front of my job and had to have a co-worker take me home. I was taken to my fiance’s job, threw up and passed out in the back of the storage room until he woke me up when the store was closed. It took me about a week to feel sane.
People were taking this wedding, including myself, to proportions that were so elevated it nearly sent me to the hospital. How did this happen to such a dedicated activist you might ask?
SOCIETY HAPPENED. And we are all guilty, be it fast food intake (guilty), watching television (guilty), drinking alcohol/ doing drugs/ smoking cigarettes (guilty of some), procrastinating (super guilty), caring what others think of us (GUILTY). We all succumb to social pressures. This is not a new concept. It happens all over the world. Why do you think the terrorists do what they do? Those pressures are so intense for them that they have no other choice. This is what makes us unique as humans, being conscious of ourselves in a way that influences how we behave. The only instinct we seem to have as 21st century humans is the need to belong to a group. In our feminist circles, we try to project an image of acceptance of all. However, we to are guilty of trying to fit a mold in order to belong. I often find myself trying to be the perfect activist. When in turn, I’ve learned that sharing my experiences as a young woman can make a difference because I know there’s someone reading this that feels the same way.
So how can we as feminists have a wedding without falling prey to the terrorism that is the “bridal industry”? How can we avoid those pressures? Coming from a conservative family, it was very difficult for me. For others, your roots may be strong enough to hold you through the turbulence that is bridal mania. Most women, like myself, were raised by a society that makes us constantly hate ourselves and always strive for perfection. The most important step in planning a feminist wedding is to keep your friends close to you at all times and have them constantly remind you of WHO YOU ARE. It is so easy to get lost. A bride (and groom for that matter) is not supposed to be morphed into someone they’re not. You’re not dressing up for Halloween. You still should be yourself and a wedding is to celebrate the union of two people with family and friends.
I learned several lessons from this experience. Feminism supports a woman’s right to choose whatever she wants from her life. In concept, it does not judge a woman for decisions that she makes about herself and her wedding. It is important to have friends that understand your vision of the wedding and make sure people involved know that it is YOU and YOUR HUSBAND’S DAY, not theirs. A wedding day is equally shared with husband and wife. It’s not just the bride’s day. That’s a load of crap. Make sure people are there that mean the most to you all. Just because someone is blood-related to you, doesn’t make that an automatic invitation. And the most important lesson of all that a good friend of mine said to me, “people are there to see YOU, not someone else. Be yourself because that’s why they are there.” So let’s all sit back and think before you plan a wedding, am I doing this for me or other people? If the answer is the latter, than maybe you need to go to the courthouse.
All in all, it turned out perfect due to the love that was there to support us
We planned our wedding in a month and half, with the help of family and friends who donated their time and money. In fact, originally, I didn’t want a wedding simply because of the outrageous hassle that it inevitably becomes. My best friend convinced me that we could make this day whatever we wanted and that there was no standard. One day after I told my mother about the decision, after her fit of outright emotional tearful outbursts we decided to shop for a dress. Apparently, I had been living underneath a rock for my entire life because I was completely blown away by the extravagant and expensive industry that is not the wedding but BRIDAL preparation. We pulled about four dresses off the racks and were told that we couldn’t try them on without a “bridal consultant”. For this we needed to make an appointment. Okay, let me get this straight. I need to make an appointment so that someone can help me into my dress and therefore use it as an opportunity to sell me more accessories. This is crap. Of course, I obliged and “Lauren” helped us by telling me I looked beautiful and selling me a $150 undergarment, $40 shoes and a $50 hairpiece. We also set up an appointment to be measured. Alterations total: $250.
The weeks that followed were full of anxiety and stress coming from mothers and mother-in-laws and the ironic ‘comparative wedding’ of a former friend. We had decided to keep things low-key. The venue was eclectic, artistic, beautiful and full of zen. While we were ironing out the wedding officiator status, others were volunteering their time and effort to help out making centerpieces, photography, flowers, favors, etc. I felt that this could possibly turn out to be an open-minded, feminist wedding.
Until I witnessed the other side. 300+ guests. Catholic ceremony. Passages from the Bible about women serving men. Giant reception. Slideshow. Live band. M.C. Games. Different songs for each dance. Basically, it was the complete opposite of my wedding. On my way home my mind began to shift and the past 5 years of studying societal pressures and understanding their impact on girls, my going to South Africa, my activism…all seemed like a dream. I immediately went to my mother’s house and started asking, “what song during this dance..etc” morphing into the inevitable BRIDEZILLA.
It’s amazing how one night of reality, or what seemed real, could completely cloud my judgment. My involvement in NOW and feminism seemed so far away. I was instantly on a completely different planet. The next day I got acrylic nails, bought $100
worth of Clinique makeup, and bought hydroxycut.
Now before I get people going irate over this let me explain that I’m telling this to you all, and especially young girls, as a cautionary tale.
The next day I literally had an anxiety attack in my car in front of my job and had to have a co-worker take me home. I was taken to my fiance’s job, threw up and passed out in the back of the storage room until he woke me up when the store was closed. It took me about a week to feel sane.
People were taking this wedding, including myself, to proportions that were so elevated it nearly sent me to the hospital. How did this happen to such a dedicated activist you might ask?
SOCIETY HAPPENED. And we are all guilty, be it fast food intake (guilty), watching television (guilty), drinking alcohol/ doing drugs/ smoking cigarettes (guilty of some), procrastinating (super guilty), caring what others think of us (GUILTY). We all succumb to social pressures. This is not a new concept. It happens all over the world. Why do you think the terrorists do what they do? Those pressures are so intense for them that they have no other choice. This is what makes us unique as humans, being conscious of ourselves in a way that influences how we behave. The only instinct we seem to have as 21st century humans is the need to belong to a group. In our feminist circles, we try to project an image of acceptance of all. However, we to are guilty of trying to fit a mold in order to belong. I often find myself trying to be the perfect activist. When in turn, I’ve learned that sharing my experiences as a young woman can make a difference because I know there’s someone reading this that feels the same way.
So how can we as feminists have a wedding without falling prey to the terrorism that is the “bridal industry”? How can we avoid those pressures? Coming from a conservative family, it was very difficult for me. For others, your roots may be strong enough to hold you through the turbulence that is bridal mania. Most women, like myself, were raised by a society that makes us constantly hate ourselves and always strive for perfection. The most important step in planning a feminist wedding is to keep your friends close to you at all times and have them constantly remind you of WHO YOU ARE. It is so easy to get lost. A bride (and groom for that matter) is not supposed to be morphed into someone they’re not. You’re not dressing up for Halloween. You still should be yourself and a wedding is to celebrate the union of two people with family and friends.
I learned several lessons from this experience. Feminism supports a woman’s right to choose whatever she wants from her life. In concept, it does not judge a woman for decisions that she makes about herself and her wedding. It is important to have friends that understand your vision of the wedding and make sure people involved know that it is YOU and YOUR HUSBAND’S DAY, not theirs. A wedding day is equally shared with husband and wife. It’s not just the bride’s day. That’s a load of crap. Make sure people are there that mean the most to you all. Just because someone is blood-related to you, doesn’t make that an automatic invitation. And the most important lesson of all that a good friend of mine said to me, “people are there to see YOU, not someone else. Be yourself because that’s why they are there.” So let’s all sit back and think before you plan a wedding, am I doing this for me or other people? If the answer is the latter, than maybe you need to go to the courthouse.
All in all, it turned out perfect due to the love that was there to support us
6 comments:
Don't forget that weddings can be wife & wife or husband & husband!
I initially got caught up in what you went through also. Unfortunately, by the time my vision cleared I was already in possession of a white dress. I found a great book, "I Do but I Don’t: Walking Down the Aisle without Losing Your Mind" by Kamy Wicoff, and there are a lot of blogs out there with ideas for a feminist wedding. We wrote our vows to convey our beliefs and we had the Massachusetts court ruling legalizing gay marriage as a reading.
Vows: http://tinyurl.com/ych8wc2
So many girls are raised learning to judge others. We, as feminists, need to learn from each other and never judge each other... none of us have perfect feminist actions. What is important is all the small steps (and leaps and bounds) we as individuals and groups take. I still wear my diamond ring, which I feel is branding me, but I also value my husband's feelings and try to wear it with pride knowing how long he worked to afford it.
As for the last name issue, I think it is important that every couple just talk about it. If it is important to you to have the same last name and his name has more meaning, then it makes sense to take his. And vice versa. What is important is that both partners are open minded and willing to talk.
I did not take my husband's last name, and a lot of people are ignorant and give me weird looks, to which I respond "He was stubborn and would not take my name." (Stubborn was not the issue, he's a Jr and wanted to keep his name, but at least it makes the ignorant think twice.) I'd love to hear how others respond.
Gosh, I never really thought about my own wedding...until recently--In thinking, I really don't know how I'd react either because I tend to be a perfectionist in just about every area in life, and I can't imagine that I'd be lenient in that area.
I'm sure there would be stress. No doubt.
As for the dress: I wont lie I want a beautiful dress, but I'm not sure how 'traditional' it might be. I envision something in particular I saw in South Africa:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=246320&id=1659148085
Beautiful!
And Stacey I LOVED your vows! What perfect sentiments; 'change our world together'! perfect!
Amy, I sorry if it was so stressful, I'm glad you put it out there; I know the Bridal industry has become very clever at capitalizing on the bride's special day and making her feel like she has to be/look/feel a certain way about her image that day.
Last name...yeah. Gosh, it's hard. I've always maintained that i'd keep mine because I couldn't see a reason not to. However, if I think of kids, I won't deny it's simply easier for everyone to have the same last name; but my good friend Jennet and her husband did something I really LOVED: they picked a new last name and both of them changed their names. Seems like a solve all. But then again, a lot of people are still really tied to family lines.
Eh.
We thought very carefully on how to phrase our ceremony. Because gay marriage rights are close to our heart, we eliminated all phrases of 'man and wife' 'husband and wife' etc. At the conclusion, we were pronounced simply "married"! And we were introduced at the reception as Mr. and Mrs. Aaron and Amy Edler. Also, instead of 'who gives this bride away?" we asked 'who gives their blessing on this couple?' both sets of parents answered 'we do'.
Amy--This is a beautiful reflection of the complexities between self and society, feminism and heterosexism, love and industry! Thank you for sharing this with the wider community. I would love to use this in class. In the end, you found a beautiful balance. Perhaps Bridezillamania had to live within you for a few days to get to this place of awareness, and ability to share your authentic feminist self! You are brilliant!
M.J.
Here are my suggestions for a feminist wedding:
Tip #1: Do not accept financial help with the wedding... that way your wedding can't be dictated to you. I know that sounds like a huge burden, but my husband and I lived at poverty level when we got married and we had a lovely wedding on a shoestring.
Tip #2: Do not say the word "wedding" when buying anything! This automatically quadruples the price. For instance, I bought a prom dress (more comfortable too!).
Tip #3: Write your own ceremony! Not just the vows! It makes it yours!
Tip #4: Have a party! Unless you want a solemn event (which is fine), just have a blast! Good friends, good food, good wine... life is great! You'll be surrounded by almost every person you love and that feeling is incredible, so embrace it. For me, it was a celebration of love and nothing more or less.
Tip #5: Your bound to rile some feathers by doing things like walking yourself down the aisle or having psychic priestess's preside over the ceremony, but as long as your significant other is the person that is holding you together for the pitfalls and is the only person you still want to work with on the event, I really think you got it made.
Tip #6: Get a pre-nup. No, my husband and I don't have private fortunes, but we both watched our parents go through nasty divorces that left our single mothers broke and without child support. We decided, as I hope most people would, that we were going to outline a couple things in case life ever crumbled on us, so that we wouldn't try to destroy one another at some later date. It's saying, "I love you so much now, I promise I won't destroy you with years of legal battle later." The pre-nup has never come up since we signed it, but I think every couple should have one.
Hope this helps someone someday!
Jenn- of course you can use it!
Glammie- I don't see how not excepting money from both sets of parents makes it feminist. it would be different if just the bride's parents paid but both of ours parents contributed equally for our small ceremony and reception.
I can understand how getting a prenup is important to you and i respect you for it, especially because you both have divorced parents. both aaron and i's parents have been together for 35+ years so i guess we never thought about it.
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