By: Amy RubioDisney, television and the media put such an unrealistic perception on love. That there is a man, man sees woman, woman falls in love with man, and they live happily ever after. Not only is love restricted to heterosexual people, but "happily ever after" bugs me so much! What happens after "happily ever after?" What are the perceptions on love that are being thrown at us everyday? And what about the concept, "Love at first sight?"
I know I had my own misconceptions about love (no thanks to Disney). However, I never bought into "love at first sight." I am cynical about that at best. It is more about "Lust at first sight." Can love really be born so quickly? To see someone's face in an instance and immediately "know" you love them? I don't buy into that one bit.
I, personally, can not stand it when people throw the word "love" around. I knew someone once that would say, "I love you" after knowing/dating the person only a day. Repeat. A DAY! I could not believe it. Maybe he really felt that way or only said it because he felt that is what the other person wanted to hear. I don't know. But I think the concept of "love at first sight" makes it so love can be seen as a fleeting thing that can come and go instantly. In this day and age, has love become something that you can get and throw away at will? Easily disposable? Is love just some fleeting emotion to be tossed aside when you've no use for it anymore?
Also, for some reason, sex has been sensationalized into representing love. Thanks society. Pressures are placed on everyone in terms of sex and love. You don't truly love someone unless you have sex with them and vice versa. Since when is sex they way to show someone you love them? I know I was pressured into having sex, but what's surprising is most of the pressure came from my three elder sisters and my twin. They thought I was prudish because I was a virgin at the age of 17/18 and that I did not ever want to talk about sex with them or learn about their experiences. I am sorry. Is there a requirement or memo I never heard of that says you have to lose your virginity by this age otherwise you are a prudish, stuck-up bitch?All I know is that they all lost their virginity around the age of seventeen and not one of them has that guy they gave it to in their life anymore. I did not want that for myself. I did not want a guy to have sex with me only because he was attracted to my body. I wanted someone who cared about me; my mind, my heart, my soul. Not some piece of flesh to get pleasure from. Sex meant and still means more to me than just pleasure or satisfaction.
I was nineteen when I lost my virginity. It was to the man I am currently dating and he gave me his virginity as well. I knew him as a friend for a year and then dated him for six months and within that time period (no sex) I realized that I loved him. It was gradual and slow to come, but when the realization sank in I knew I wanted to grow old with him. We both shared our feelings for each other before sex was even in the picture. Even so, we waited another two moths before we both felt ready for sex. I just don't see why sex is placed at the forefronts of relationships. Our way of saying "I love you" is just being together, enjoying each others' company, and learning about each other. Sex does not define or solidify our love for each other and nor should it have to.
I am the only one out of my sisters that is in a serious relationship where marriage is in the foreseeable future. It saddens me because I am the youngest sister, yet the one most likely to get married first. It would not be so saddening if I knew that my sisters did not want to get married or if they were completely okay with being single. But I know they are looking for love just as I have, yet sex play a large part in their search when it shouldn't. Sex does not equate to someone loving you and I feel that many young women are being sent that damaging message. I honestly can't say why I turned out completely different in this area than all my other sisters but whatever it was, I am thankful for.
Lastly, "happily ever after," is another damaging message sent to young women. It implies that once you do fall in love, everything magically works out perfectly...which is entirely untrue. Relationships are work! It is hard work. Relationships are about learning about who your partner is and learning who to live with each other and make things work. Every relationship has some issues and kinks that need to be addressed. It deals with compromise on both sides, not on just one side. I know my relationship is not perfect, but I also know that we are both willing to take the time to sit down, gather our thoughts, and talk about any issue that may come up. Willingness to listen to each others; view is extremely important in order to come up with an acceptable solution for both of you. No relationship is a "happily ever after." But if you work at it, it can be very fulfilling.
4 comments:
You know, it's amazing how much pressure we are under to have sex when we are younger. I lost my virginity considerably younger than you and was seriously traumatized by it; I literally knew nothing about sex. Literally. And so I didnt have sex again for a long time; I was scared and did not see what all the excitement was about. It wasn't until I was two years into a serious relationship again much much later that I decided to try again with someone I loved, and it was as it should have been!
Girls are pressured so into having sex, but most of us didn't even know how sex was supposed to actually benefit us until we were much much older. Girls are pressured to believe that sex does in fact equal love and that sex is a natural part of a relationship. The older I get the more radical I get about sex being sacred; believe me this was not always the case, though...and I was very 'man-like' about sex--unemotional and self centered; therefore I'm completely for people having 'no strings' sex as long as it is indeed mutually laid out as such. I can now say that this lifestyle just doesn't fit me anymore.
But sex is important! Maybe that's just me, but it is very important to me--there is a certain 'feel' that you should get emotionally when being with a person that is healthy for you, and I have found that very few people can actually fulfill this personally. I think there are a lot of different ways to approach sex and relationships, or the lack thereof either, but the important thing is that no one feel cornered or pressured to do anything.
"Happily ever after" is quite the misnomer. A dialogue I had regarding the fairy tale ideology reflected on what happens within the "happily ever after".
No one discusses how the Prince has a co-dependent relationship with his mother who rules every aspect in the relationship, or how the Prince/Queen may have Oedipal issues that translates into an unexistent sex life since he has a mental block, or how the wicked step-mother is truly mean because she is covering up her transgresses with the neighboring kingdom which the princess has been witness to...or how the wicked stepsisters are the true loves of the princess and she is torn between which sister has captured her heart.
Royal reality, as witnessed by Princess Diana & Prince Charles, is more of a real life representation, yet we are still fed this fairy tale message.
Love truly is work...the only work ever captured through love in fairy tales was the 7 dwarves & even that had the princess in a glass coffin waiting for the prince to save her.
Can the Sisters Grimm come save 21st century children?
Laura J. Ray said:
Oh this piece brought tears to my eyes. Very moving, yet so right down to the point.
Melinda said:
This is probably one of my biggest struggles. I can not just be pleasant to please others. It is a process to be in a relationship!! The happy comes with the work it takes to be in a relationship. Not to mention the self discovery and growth that comes from being in an honest relationship.
That is why we killed our TV!!
Kelly Varner said:
Yeah, I'm really digging on what Melinda said and am thinking about asking permission to use it in the near future.
The scripts repeated for us in many formats and reinforced by large enough portions of U.S. society create impossible expectations. But they do more than that. My experience is that I could not understand love, how to participate in a healthy relationship (or recognize one for that matter). It also presents people as either romantic or not-romantic. Friendships are a continuum of affection with intimate partners on one end and new acquaintances at the other.
Sex, ugh. So many rules, so many scripts. Everything we do is intercourse. Holding hands, yelling at each other (as only those deeply in love can) to discharge and balance energy, folding laundry, talking about a book, hugs, back rubs, small kisses, long kisses warm embraces. Again there is a continuum. Affection and interaction with those we value with those whose company we enjoy. To me, you are not an “either or” person. You are on that continuum. . . . at some point I wish we didn’t know it was sex, at some point I wish we simply behaved in accordance with our affection, naturally evolving as we grow closer to a person. The word makes it a line, a boundary that isn’t really there. (Hey, who made that boundary? Is it related to ownership? Does it have to do with controlling reproduction? Okay, better leave that for a separate conversation.)
The dark side of false life scripts concerning love, marriage and sex; where the boundary does exist, where the line is crossed – why love can become tangled inside us is when we are stolen. Acts perpetrated against us that resemble some elements that also exist in acts of affection cause a terrible Pavlovian confusion. And now it all collides. When this happens, affection is poisoned twice. First it is poisoned by the false scripts and a second time when someone deforms it. Once deformed the false scripts block healing. Knowing that affection between partners has many, many facets allows us to love and grow together and offers real alternatives to the false scripts…and a way back to healthy love.
You wrote, ‘"happily ever after," is another damaging message sent to young women. It implies that once you do fall in love, everything magically works out perfectly...which is entirely untrue. Relationships are work!”’. No doubt.
~mychael
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