Phem's Offbeat Bride Guide (Intro)

By: Brook
Ultimately, my version of a 'feminist' wedding means nothing more other than that I am planning the day with my partner, focusing on things that matter to both me and him, and not getting hung up on those bride/groom traditions that typically sit at the center of weddings. I'm not getting hung up on getting rid of "patriarchal traditions" or being "feminist enough" at my own wedding. I'm not going to sweat the "misogynist traditions that accompany marriage" (Valenti) because I'm not into focusing on the symbolism and meaning of marriage as it was in the past, only what it means and represents for me and my partner now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not dismissing what other notable feminists' have to say about marriage. It really is something people should ponder in and out before committing to, and of course the idea of marriage still has quite a few feminist-unfriendly traditions. I'm also not trying to undermine the legal implications of marriage: every couple should consider what it means (personally and practically) to be legally bound to anyone. My point is that when I became engaged I didn't hear any of the supposed in-law or family drama that you always hear about that elevates wedding day stress by emphasizing the bride diminish her sense of self the minute she accepts the ring (the last-name change, the disapproval of the pre-nup, the changing of the vows). On the contrary, I have a great family and in-laws who would probably be supportive of just about anything we wanted to do for the wedding. What I did hear a lot about however, was if our wedding would be feminist enough. People seemed overly eager to know if I was having a feminist officiant, if I was going to be 'civilly united' versus 'married', or if I was changing my last name (some even joked that it was more likely that my partner would take my last name).

I get it: feminism can be an intense concept for people who don't align themselves with that identity. A lot of people come to expect feminists to over-analyze everything, go outside of convention just for the sake of doing so and to disapprove of any sort of symbolic tradition or traditional roles. To some degree, this is true of my engagement and our wedding: I definitely didn't want a diamond, and there's no way I'd ever be referred to as 'mrs-my-husband's-first-and-last-name'. That really has more to do with the fact that gemstones are just prettier to me and I will always maintain my individuality than being any sort of political/feminist statement I'm trying to make.

As a matter of fact, every feminist blog I read that discussed weddings used the word 'patriarchy' so much I thought my head would explode! The truth is, you never really know what you will want out of a wedding until you are faced with planning one, and the last thing on my mind was being 'feminist' enough for my own wedding. I just wanted it to be authentic, genuine, and heartfelt. As stated earlier, I wanted that to come from me and my partner equally.

For me, it basically comes down to this very simple statement because I notice that most weddings are female/bride centered. Products, bridal shows, magazines (all plastered with women sporting $10,000 gowns), decor and even cakes (traditional wedding cake plus the supplemental 'grooms cake') are targeted towards women specifically. It's the woman's domain, it's the woman's day, the wedding must be all about the bride, her lovely, overpriced dress, and the thousands and thousands of dollars spent on this one magical, fairy tale day.

My friends might joke here and there about me and my partner's original idea of getting married (climbing the four miles to the summit of Old Rag Mountain, proclaiming our love and commitment for each other, then climbing the four miles down together as newlyweds) but after was said and done, at least it was real.

More to come....